Treść
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number
ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Losowe wpisy
- » A guy walks
into a
tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man
playing
the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all
about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy
asked
the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get
your
drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one
wish."
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and
rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You
have
one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for
a million bucks. A cloud
of smoke filled the room, and then both
the genie and the guy
disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy
reappeared back in the bar with a million
ducks all around him.
The
guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want
a
million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a
twelve-inch Pianist?"
- » What did the mama pig say
when junior pig
bought a basket of wormy apples?
"Don't tell the farmer. He might
charge us extra."
- » Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student:
When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
- » Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your
college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your
Dean
as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth
shut. I
knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my
true feelings,
so I remained silent for the last four
years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the
Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a
ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch
what I REALLY
thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I
looked her
straight in the eye.
"Hey Bitch," I said.
"You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth
control just by leaving
the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I
gotta tell you that
it felt just as good as I had imagined it would
for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, fr
amed it, and hung it in the living
room, where it proudly exclaims
to the world: "In order to receive your
diploma, please present
this certificate to the Dean of your college
after final grades have
been posted!"
- » According to inside contacts, the Japanese
banking crisis
shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's
getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had
folded, we are
hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai
Bank plans to cut back
some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for
sale, and it is (you
guessed it!) going for a
song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a
raw deal.
- » A guy had been feeling down for so long
that he finally decided to seek the aid of a
psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the
profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel
better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat
thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his
face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,
"Um, I
think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common
among
losers."
- » Why does a
dinosaur climb a tree?
To
get in his nest.
- » I was so sorry
to hear you buried
your mother last week.
Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
- » How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does
to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has to check it 100
times, one for each watt.
- » My problem is that I
keep stealing
things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me
something for
it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and
bring
me a new video camera.
- » A man was given the job of painting the white
lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six
miles; the next
day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman
asked the man why he kept painting less each day,
he replied "I just
can't do any better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint
can."
- » I used to not get on with my
mother-in-law,
but over the last few months
I've developed quite an attachment
for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin
to keep her
mouth shut!
- » What do you call a dog with no legs ?
It
doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come !
- » a guy was teased everywhere of his
totally noticably bald head! Afta goin thru yrs of this, he decided that
he
should say sumthin about it! so he stood up on2 the tallest
statue and
shouted 4 everyone 2 hear: 'I AM NOT BALD, ITS JUST THAT IM
TALLER
THAN MY HAIR!'
- » What's the difference between an elephant
and
a piece of paper ?
You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an
elephant !