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Two wizards in a car
were driving
along and the police were chasing them for speeding.
One said, "What
are we going to do?"
The other replied, "Quick, turn the car into a
side street."
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- » Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one
leg? A. Limp
biskit
- » The Captain was
Jewish, and the new First
Officer was Chinese. It was the
first time they had flown together,
and it was obvious by the silence
that
they didn't get
along.
After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't
like
Chinese. "
The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese?
Why is that? "
The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor.
That's why I don't like
Chinese. "
The F.O. said, " Nooooo,
noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That
JAPANESE, not Chinese.
"
And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ...
it
doesn't
matter. They're all alike. "
Another 30
minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew.
"
The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews?
"
" Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O.
The Captain tried to
correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the
Titanic. It
was an iceberg. "
" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah
.. all same "
- » Cannibal: Mom, mom, I've been eating a
missionary and I feel sick !
Mom: Well, you know what they say - you
can't keep a good man down
!
- » The cowboy
was trying to buy a health
insurance policy. The insurance agent was
going down the list of standard
questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a
one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't
never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by
a snake once. Wouldn't
you consider that an
accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
- » How can you tell a dog from an elephant?
The
elephant remembers.
- » Three
guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little
confused at their present situation, and they were
startled to see a
door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps
the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you
could smell
her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Brett, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And
Brett was whisked through the door
by a group of lesser demons to his
torment.
This
understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second
door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of
womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in
thick
black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was
heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the re
st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl,
like Brett, was
whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and
feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in
the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil
saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
- » Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bed !
Bed who
?
Bed you can't guess who I am!
- » Q: Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go
to? A:
Heck
- » A Texan farmer goes to Australia
for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The
Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?
- » What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It
grows a Moostache.
- » Son: How much does it cost to get married,
Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
- » There
is a new Barbie doll on the
market - House Wife Barbie ...dressed in
ratty, old housecoat; comes
with dirty laundry and sink full of
dishes
- » What's an accountant's idea of trashing
his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
- » What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping?
Lazy bones.
- » Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you
please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure
numbers.