
Treść
Once there was a church that
had a bell that
no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the
priest if he
could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight
into
the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked
priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the
bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does
anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face
rings a bell."
Losowe wpisy
- » How far can a rabbit run into the woods?
Halfway. After that she's running out of the woods.
- » Policeman: Why
didn't you obey that
stop sign?
Driver: I don't believe everything I read.
- » Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
snowman.
Doctor: Keep cool !
- » An auditor was examining the balance sheet
of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the
Pilbara
area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was
partly for
the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly
for the
thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of
acres. The auditor,
being very diligent, noted that the value of the
sheep formed a
significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew
that he would have to
verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and
flew up to the station. The
manager was at the airstrip to meet
him.
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the
sheep."
- » Miss DeAngelo was a
none-too-bright young
woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of
becoming a star.
She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter
plenty of men
willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found
herself
called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the
stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the
defendant has identified you as the
'other woman' in her husband's
life. Now, do you admit that you went
to the Pricerite Motel with this
Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff,
"but I
couldn't help it."
"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer
derisively. "How's that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me." "Exactly what
do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the
motel clerk I
was his wife."
- » An American tourist
travelling
in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was
lucky
enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity,
signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist
returned to Ireland and asked the antique
shop owner if he had any
more bargains. "I've got the very thing for
you," said the Irishman.
"It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler!" shouted
the American. "You sold me that ten years
ago," and, producing the
skull, added, "Look, they're not even the
same size!"
"You
have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of
Saint
Patrick when he was a lad."
- » OUESTION: What is cosmetics?
ANSWER:
Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading
between the
lines.
- » At a
convention of biological scientists
one researcher remarks to another:
"Did you know that in our lab we
have switched from mice to lawyers
for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied,
"Why did you switch?"
"Well, for four
very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far
more plentiful,
second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, third
there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth
sometimes it
very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
- » A whole family was caught in
a small boat
during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed
to
safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.
"I
always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five
year
old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.
"I like
to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember
that God
is in His heaven watching over us."
"Oh, I wasn't talking
about THAT God," the five year old
interrupted. "I was talking about
the COAST God."
- » An old rabbi
is talking with one of his
friends and
says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts
today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The
rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three
marriages."
The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could
understand six, but..."
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I
do this for
free?"
- » Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean
salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
- » Why did the auditor cross the
road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last
year.
- » What's a mouse's favourite record ?
Please
cheese me !
- » What do you call a person who falls onto
you on a train ?
A laplander !
- » Early Texas governors were not very well
educated. There was once a
chief executive who thought "grammar" was
his father's mother.
On one occasion this governor went hunting
and forgot his gun. He
phoned his secretary and asked him to send
the gun.
"The phone connection's bad," said the secretary. "I
couldn't
catch that last word. Spell it."
The governor
replied, " 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion;
'N' like in
pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!"