Treść
- » Collection Litter
by Phil D Basket
- » College meals
are generally unpopular with
those who have to eat them and sometimes
with good reason. "What
kind of pie do you call this?" asked one
student
indignantly.
"What's it taste like?" asked the cook."
"Glue!"
"Then it's apple
pie the plum pie tastes like soap."
- » Come here, you greedy wretch. I'll teach you
to eat all your sister's birthday chocs.
It's all right Dad, I
know how !
- » Come on, Fred,
I'll take you to the zoo. If
the zoo wants me, let them come and get
me!
- » Coming
home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very
excited. Unable to attend the
game, his father immediately wanted to know
what happened. "So, how
did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said.
"I was responsible for the
winning run!"
"Really? How'd you
do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
- » Comments made
by Programmers when their
programs don't work:
Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
Well, the program needs some fixing.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to be broken.
Has the
operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your test data.
I have not touched that
module!
Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
You must have the
wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
I'm almost ready.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done
in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidence.
I can't
test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
It works, but
it's not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
Even though i
t does not work, how does it feel?
How come you didn't find it
during the system testing?
It's a setup problem.
And the
Ultimate:
A smart user would never do that!
- » Commissioned by
a zoo to bring them some
baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel
scheme to trap them -
his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a
particularly
vicious and bad tempered dog. Once in the jungle he
explained to his
assistant, "I'll climb this tree and shake the branches; if
there are
any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground - and the
dogs
will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them
up quite safely and put them in the sack." "But what do I need the
gun for?" asked the assisant. "If I should fall out of the tree by
mistake, shoot the dog."
- » Communicating with Cattle
by I. Ken
Mooue
- » Computer
helpline?
Everytime I log onto
the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes
snow white....
- » Computers are not intelligent.
They only
think they are.
- » Computers make very fast, very accurate
mistakes.
- » Computers manufacturer is considering changing
the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the
flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
- » Conductor, do you stop
at the Savoy Hotel?
I should say not, on my salary!
- » Conductor, this bus
was very slow!
Oh, I
expect we'll pick up speed now you're getting off!
- » Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you
please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure
numbers.
- » Consider one of the most perplexing
questions of our time: Where do'
solutions go when a candidate gets
elected?
- » Contrary to what people say,
you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so
calm, you can't move.
- » Conversation between two accountants at a
cocktail party:
".......and ninthly..."
- » Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you
back there?
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning,
Mr. Mayor."
Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast
through the next
town.
- » Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs
at
him?
Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.
- » Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make
your bed?
Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to
keep
count!
- » Counselor: Wash your face.
I can see what you
had for breakfast.
Henry: If you're so smart, what did I
have?
Counselor: Eggs.
Henry: Wrong. I had eggs yesterday!
- » Cow: Why don't you shoo those flies?
Bull:
I'll let them go barefoot!
- » Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back
on the ranch about his
first visit to a big-city church. "When
I got there, they had me park
my
old truck in the corral," Joe
began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more
worldly
fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the
door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the
usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe
said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a
stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie
retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said
when I sat
down
beside her."
- » Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning,
and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.
"What's the
matter?" asked her companion.
"Oh dear," sobbed Auntie, "It's my
favorite nephew. He's got three
feet."
"Three feet?" exclaimed her
friend.
"Surely that's not possible?"
"Well," said Auntie,
"his mother's just written to tell me he's
grown another foot !"
- » Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for
the robbery, boss?
Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a
double-cross.
- » Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a
bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.
- » Cross-Eyed Monster: When I grow up I want to be a
bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.
- » Cry Baby - by Liza
Weeping
- » Customer to friend: This is a wonderful
restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world,
I
ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the
world.
Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.
- » Customer:
"How do I print my
voicemail?"
- » Customer:
Waiter, this food is repeating on
me.
Waiter: Good, we love repeat business.
- » Customer: "Hi, I'm
supposed to pack [zip]
my database and send it to you. What should I
pack it in?"
- » Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech:
"Yes, you said that."
- » Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by
hand for
five years, and we finally got your program so we could do
it
automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out
differently each
time."
Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that
our program uses Monte-Carlo
analysis?"
Customer: "Of course I
am. That's why I bought it."
Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what
Monte-Carlo analysis does?"
Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of
course I do."
Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your
project several
times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it
averages out the
results."
Customer: "I know all that -- what I
want to know is why it keeps
giving me different answers every time
I run it."
- » Customer: "It says I've performed an
illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something
wrong?"
- » Customer: "My disk is stuck in my disk drive.
Clicking eject
doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Ok, turn the
power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse
clicker, and power the Mac
back up."
Customer: "Look, I don't have three hands!"
- » Customer: "Wait, that
password looks
really gray. I'm going to type it in again."
- » Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have
call waiting?"
Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you
have call
waiting."
Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!"
Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?"
Customer: "What's
that?"
- » CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig
shake?
WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.
- » CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig cooler?
WAITER: Sure, spray him with a hose.
- » Customer: Couldn't you see I was going
bald?
Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.
- » Customer: Do you have
bacon and eggs on the
menu:
Waiter: No, we clean our menus regularly.
- » Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With
pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
- » Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't
come in and closed you up?
Waiter: They're afraid to eat
here.
- » CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float?
WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.
- » Customer: How long must I wait
for that
turtle soup I ordered?
Waiter: Well, you know how slow turtles are.
- » Customer: I didn't
order this.
Waiter:
I know, but your meal tastes worse.
- » Customer: I think I've got a bug in my
computer.
Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?
Customer:
Yes.
Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!
- » Customer: I thought the
meals here were
supposed to be like mother used to make.
Waiter: They are. She
couldn't cook either.
Losowe wpisy
- » What's a glow worms
favourite song
?
Wake me up before you glow glow !
- » What do hookers do on their night off:
type?
- » When a man steals your wife,
there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
- » Read more Answer me this jokes
- » Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman
farmer who
moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry.
The
hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig
Latin.
- » How many archaeologists does it take to change a
light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue
about how old the old
one is.
- » Knock Knock
Who's there
?
Annie!
Annie who ?
Annie-versary !
- » Knock Knock
Who's there !
Cat
!
Cat who ?
Cat you understand !
- » Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44
bus? She took the 22 twice instead.
- » When is a birthday cake like a golf
ball?
When it's been sliced.
- » If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples
in the
orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
None,
because the six pigs have already eaten them all.
- » What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen
prefer ?
I.C. !
- » your mamas feet are so scaly you can see
crocodile dundy in her
foot bath.
- » A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day
when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful
princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and
put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you
kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with
you for one week." The
warrant officer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to his pocket.
The frog
then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again
the
warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for
a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The warrant officer said, "Look I'm an warrant officer. I dont have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's
cool."
- » What do you call a dog with no legs ?
It
doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come !