Treść
- » Men are
like plastic wrap.
Cheap. Clingy.
And very easy to see through.
- » Men are like
chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth
and they usually head right for your hips.
- » Men are like
curling irons.
They're
always hot, and they're always in your hair.
- » Men are like
lava lamps.
Fun to look
at, but not very bright.
- » Men are like
mascara.
They usually run
at the first sign of emotion.
- » Men are like
power tools.
They make a lot
of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
- » Men are like
soap operas.
They're fun to
watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
- » Men are like animals:
messy, insensitive
and
potentially violent, but they make great pets.
- » Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot
of money, they don't generate much interest.
- » Men are like bike
helmets.
They are
handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look
silly.
- » Men are like cement.
After getting laid, they
take a long time to get hard.
- » Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich,
hot and can keep you up all night.
- » Men are like coolers.
Load them with beer and
you can take them anywhere.
- » Men are like copiers.
You need them for
reproduction, but that's about it.
- » Men are like department
stores.
Their
clothes should always be half off.
- » Men are like fine wine. They all
start out
like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and
keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have
dinner with.
- » Men are like government bonds.
They take so
long to mature.
- » Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you
what to do and are usually wrong.
- » Men are like mini skirts.
If you're not
careful, they'll creep up your legs.
- » Men are like old
car tires.
Balding, full
of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
- » Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best
ones get soft and lumpy.
- » Men are like plungers.
They spend most of their
lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom
- » Men are like remote controls.
Simple. Easy to
use. And usually lying around a TV.
- » Men are like shag
carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and
extremely easy to walk on.
- » Men are like vacuum
cleaners.
They're not
much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
- » Men don't
get lost; they discover alternative
destinations.
- » Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson
Mandela are in an airplane with
20 kids. The airplane gets a failure
and is doomed to crash. The plane
has
only 20 parachutes. Nelson
Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that
children should have
them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts,
"SCREW
THE CHILDREN!!"
Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts,
"YES,
YES!!
But do we have enough time?"
- » Michael: It's hard for my
sister to eat.
Maureen: Why ?
Michael: She can't bear to stop
talking.
- » Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large
goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your
time,' Pat hollered.
'The rifle is not loaded.'
'I can't
wait,' Mike shouted back.
'The bird will be gone if I take the time to
load!'
- » Miles Dobson was away from home on business
in another city. When he
called home, his wife told him, "Miles,
they had your name in the
obits
today."
"What! In the
obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad
journalism. I'll
sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously,
"wh...wh...where are
you
calling from?"
- » Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker
quietly sat down
next to the grieving widow. "How old was your
husband?" he
asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly.
"Two years oder
than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said.
"Hardly worth going home,
wouldn't you say?"
- » Miss DeAngelo was a
none-too-bright young
woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of
becoming a star.
She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter
plenty of men
willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found
herself
called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the
stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the
defendant has identified you as the
'other woman' in her husband's
life. Now, do you admit that you went
to the Pricerite Motel with this
Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff,
"but I
couldn't help it."
"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer
derisively. "How's that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me." "Exactly what
do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the
motel clerk I
was his wife."
- » Modern Haircuts
by Sean Head
- » Moe: My wife converted me to
religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in
hell.
- » Mom and Dad are in the iron and
steel
business.
She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
- » Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the
larder yesterday, and now there's only one. Why?
Fred: I
don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other
one.
- » Mom: Joe, time for your medicine.
Joe: I'll
run the bath then.
Mom: Why?
Joe: Because on the bottle it says
"to be taken in water."
- » Mommy monster:
Don't eat that uranium.
Little monster: Why not?
Mommy monster: You'll get
atomic-ache.
- » Monahan stumbled
into a
saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall
is
a penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!"
cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
- » MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you
not to eat with your fingers?
Use the spade like everyone
else.
- » Monster-making as a Hobby by Frank N.
Stine
- » Monster: Doctor, doctor, I'm a blood-sucking
monster
and I keep needing to eat doctors.
Doctor: Oh what a
shame. I'm a dentist.
- » Monster: I'm so ugly.
Ghost: It's not
that bad!
Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out
cigars.
When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes.
When I was born
they simply passed out.
- » Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles
home.
Ghost: Why don't you take a train.
Monster: I did once,
but my mother made me give it back.
- » Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles
home.'
Ghost: Why don't you take a train?
Monster: I did once, but
my mother made me give it back.
- » Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein
invented
the safety match.
Igor: Yes, that was one of his most
striking achievements.
- » Monster: Stick 'em down.
Ghost: Don't
you mean, stick 'em up.
Monster: No wonder I'm not making much
money in this business.
- » Monster: Where do fleas go in
winter?
Werewolf: Search me!
- » Moody was
awakened by the telephone at
four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy,
Crumm, calling long
distance from Montgomery. "What's the matter?"
asked Moody. "Are you in
trouble?" "No!" said Crumm.
"What do you want, then?" "Nothing!"
"Then how come you are
calling me in the middle of the night?"
asked Moody. "Cause!" said the
other redneck, "the rates is
cheaper!"
- » Morris was passing a small courtyard and
heard voices
murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large
zero in the middle and
a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed
people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns
to The Great
Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in
the Sky.
Morris
turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
....
...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
Losowe wpisy
- » What happened when the dog went to the flea circus
?
He stole the show !
- » Teacher: If you have five
haystacks in one
corner, five in another and two in another, how many would
you have
?
Pupil: One big haystack !
- » A guy goes into a costume shop. He says,
"I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings
out
a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a
bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge
fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace,
why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline
pump?"
- » Two postmen are on break having a cigarette.
While on this break one postman says "Hey look at that snail". The
other postman looks down and says "FUCK" and step steps on the snail.
Postman 1 looks at him and says "Why'd you do that". Postman2
replys
"Because that fucker has been following me all day."
- » Why do the hamburgers
beat the hot dogs at
every sport they play?
Because hot dogs are the wurst!
- » What do clouds want to be when they grow
up?
-Thunderstorms
- » Why are haunted houses so noisy in April?
That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!
- » Why do
cannibals make suitcases out of
people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
- » What dance do hippies hate?
A square
dance.
- » How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long
in it.
- » Knock Knock
Who's there !
Aladdin
!
Aladdin who ?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you !
- » I have a friend who is a pilot on a
747.
I said "Hi Jack."
He shot me.
- » What do reindeer say before telling you
a
joke ?
This one will sleigh you !
- » "Did you get
your money?" ask the wife of
the dentist who had just return from the
delinquent patient's
home.
"Not a cent," growled the dentist, "and worse than that, he
insulted
me, and gnashed my teeth at me!"
- » How does a barber make phone calls?
He cuts them short.